Sunday, August 6, 2017

Where did I go? And how to make a career in career gap?

I'm at home, most of the time. No, actually it has been days that I stepped out. These few days were quite liberating in a sense, but also extremely strenuous. I have finally understood what it takes to be yourself and to stand up for what you believe in.

So, what the hell have I exactly done that now I've become preachy?


  1. Came out clean with my choice of life partner. Of course, they (parents) opposed!
  2. I think I have found my spirituality at last.
  3. Doing things that I enjoy. I am currently interning virtually and finding this experience pleasurable.

Do check out my published articles on Twenty19
and also on Nitro Kiddies

Now my spirituality will be my support system. Okay, when I say spirituality a thousand times it doesn't make me spiritual at all. There are so many other things that I need to get rid of before I'm even qualified as a 'spiritual person'. The last book that I read was 'Gora' by Rabindranath Tagore, it is still so relevant and fresh, I thought I might be bored but nothing of that sort happened. I think it is a must read for every Indian, especially now when there is so much of chaos and unrest.

Well, I know the road ahead is not going to be easy in my life now and it gets to me at times. I'm frustrated, hopeless and cantankerous. Would I prefer any other way? No.

This is making me the person I am. I've been broken down many a time, I cried, blamed myself, was depressed most of the time.... but I think this year I have made some decisions in life that I was only dreaming of hitherto.

At present, it is words that are saving my sanity. Reading, writing and introspecting have become my mindful practices. And there are some ideas sprouting up in my mind as well, as to what other things that I can possibly do? trust me, the more I look ....there's always more to discover!

I think now I can give an advice to people, who are on a break from their work. Instead of fretting make the gap in your work bring out the best in you. It has been six months now for me to have been jobless (full-time).

So, what the hell has happened?

First two months went in vain as I tried my level best to get back into the corporate world. I felt lost, as my 'support-system' wasn't supporting. I had cried myself to sleep and woke up crying with the anxiety and worry of not making myself productive.

In the third and fourth months, I got an opportunity as an intern (virtual) and then it was my ex-employer who needed some assistance. I signed up as an e-tutor for an NGO as well. So, at this point I was juggling and had work to do.

Mind you, I had no handsome earnings but just a little to get by. This helped me to get off the habit of being addicted to paycheck. I am now least bothered about money....of course it is tempting but I learned my lesson.

Now in the fifth and sixth months, completed one virtual internship and got an opportunity to continue with them for another three months. Bagged another two virtual internships, so all in all it is three internships, one consultant job and doing my bit for the society as well!

Wow....I, never in my life thought I could feel so fulfilling :-)

It's now I'm aware of the power that gave us life. So folks, please don't fret if you're unable to do something in person anymore, go on and develop your digital profile as most of the recruiters are going to search for you. Internships are valuable, give it a try.

Also keep learning, never you dare quit that habit of yours. I have completed three introductory online classes in 'Writing for the Web', 'HR in the digital age' and 'Foundations of Psychology' from Open2study platform. There are so many mind blowing things you can learn out there, push yourself!

Am I still unemployed? I don't think so ;-)

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

A Telugu Poem from the depths of my heart

నీ కౌగిలిలో కలిసిపోవాలనే కోరికతో వచ్చాను కాదంటావా ప్రియతమా?

కాసింత దెగ్గరకు రానీయవ నా  ప్రియతమా?

నా కౌగిలి గుడిలో నీ ఒక్కరికే ప్రవేశం,

మరి నీ యదలో నా స్తానం?

చెప్పాలని ఎంతో ఉన్నా చెప్పలేని నా చేతగానితనాన్ని

నువ్వు నీ చేతులారా చేరదీస్తావా?

నీ చెంత చేరి నా చిరునవ్వు మురిసె

మనసు మల్లె మొగ్గ అయ్యి విరిసె.


©Suchitra2017

Sunday, July 2, 2017

Reading a lot of Ruskin Bond

At British Council library when I was browsing through books and wondering what I should pick, my eyes fell on the new editions of Ruskin Bond books. I instantly became so greedy, one thing I indulge without any regrets is reading because books have their own magical way to help you go through life.

A Town called Dehra, Scene's from a Writer's life, The Room on the Roof and Dust on the mountains: collected stories were my choices. I have complete the first three and I'm now juggling between Rabindranath Tagore's Gora and this huge short story collection of Mr. Ruskin. 

There is one short story of Mr. Ruskin that I read now and again. It is found in a book called 'Stories Short and Sweet', the title is 'The Overcoat'. It is one of the most loveliest stories that I ever read. No matter how many times I read it, at the end my mind becomes a wanderer and my body covered with goose-pimples. 

Sadly I didn't find 'The Overcoat' in this humongous collection of stories by Mr. Ruskin. I don't know how someone can forget to include it, that's indeed for me is very disappointing. 

By reading bond's life I could relate myself well with his loneliness in childhood, his problem with pimples, looking at his parents matrimony suffer and his father's death. I did feel a little jealous about the beautiful relationship he had with his father. I lack that in my life somehow, so I yearn it and make faces when someone has got that right in their life.

Coming to my life, the early phase was full of wonder and oblivion. I had mostly overlooked the tensions between my parents and was lost in the little happiness of watching animals, drawing etc. But I knew deep down that something was amiss, the lack of communication with my father made its presence felt when I saw my friend's fathers giving them their undivided attention.

It shaped me. The way I am now, not able to respect him is a pattern that has been set on the day I was born and has not became irreversible. Do I want to change anything? Yes.

I want to move on and see the brighter side of life. The days when I'm happy and think about writing my experience with the velvety spiders in the matchbox that my classmates used to bring in the monsoon season and how curiously I looked at them. Eyes alight and mouth gaping, never once thinking about what I do not have in life.

Pic from Google

Saturday, July 1, 2017

Half of the year has gone by

It's been five months I am out of my regular full time job and what has come out of it? 

Six months are completed in this year and what I've achieved? 

These were the questions that wouldn't let me sleep peacefully at night. The only thing that scares me the most is my inaction...

But on the brighter side, I can now tell that I'll be completing three months of internship as a content writer at the end of this month. Yesterday I took my first virtual class for seventh graders as a part of the volunteer work that I've signed up for and though there were technical glitches, power outages I did manage to teach them something worthwhile.

The internet is crappy on my side I had most of the time trouble listening to them. I've been contemplating to get a broadband connection but alas I'm not in a position to afford one as my earnings are nil. The internship that I'm doing is unpaid, even the work that I'm doing for my ex-employer is not fetching me a handsome sum just something to get by.

But my writing is going downwards. I don't know if writing is something that I can do nicely, when my expressions are silly not making an impact the insecurities creep in and suffocate me. It's hard to think of myself as a writer in the making. At times I cannot properly express my feelings in words and that is what reflecting in my writing as well. 

Trying to be very strong in this period is easier said than done. 

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Overthinking ruins everything, doesn't it?

I had been a bit away from my blog and I must say it has indeed been quite a while. Well, as usual there were few things that were bothering me and I’m still anxious/unsure about life. My problems are not really problems when compared to others, yet they are still problems for me!

I completed four months now, being out of full time employment and this has also played a crucial role in pushing me a bit into the dark pit which I keep falling into but never know how to get out of. The recurring pain in my chest makes me feel like I’m going to die any moment, well that’s not going to happen but that’s the pull of that feeling.

What’s there to be so depressed about? You might say. Well, I’m certainly going through a rough patch and I’m secretly proud of how far I’ve come. There’s a dull thudding sensation at the back of my head now, that’s what over thinking does to you, it makes you to listen to voices that are not there at all, and it lets you run wild with your imagination that you become breathless in an instant.

Although I’m currently in a not-so-good situation there are enough signs around me that keep reminding me that everything will pass and I’ll be back being fulfilled and empowered. My premonition, often times remind me how far I’ve come with that sinking feeling pulling me down. I do miss being financially independent but that had its own downside, and now I’m left wondering what is that I want in life?

What makes me happy? Am I living the way I want to? These are the toughest questions but trust me no one can truly answer them. I see people around me telling me what I’m ought to do and etcetera, when I step back and look at that scenario I could see that they’re as clueless as me about life, love and relationships.

Why so much pretense? I do not understand. Do I have to listen to all that they say because they’re highly qualified? Earning a handsome sum? What are all these things when life is totally devoid or oblivious of these credentials? I must say I am exasperated by the way some people make themselves seem innocent all the while trying to back stab.

I’m re-thinking life and it is not what my resume says but it’s about me and my feelings. The way I want to be in life, with a person I chose to be with. Isn’t life about these crucial things? Why the hell am I so worried about what is someone else’s impression on me? I need to make myself immune to all these antics of other people.

I think this gap has given me enough time to ponder upon what that matters to me the most and how to true to myself. It is not worth it at all when you’re suppressing the true self in you to make others happy, that’s no way to live your life. People, who love you must be able to accept you the way you are and before that happens, do make time to love and accept yourself. If in case you don’t get that from others you know who to turn to.



Saturday, May 6, 2017

Prerna

It was as if all the time she was with someone else, and for her he rarely existed, and it dawned on her one day while she earnestly sat in front of a desktop and downloaded a PDF document of Leo Tolstoy’s ‘Anna Karenina’. The first line of the book never left her; instead it kept on coming back to her in one form or another.

“All happy families are alike, but unhappy families are unhappy in their own ways”

She began reading and found it was very much like the current age except the direct reference to intimacy it was more into normalcy, like married women being busy with their children and people were just thrown into a monotonous life. The word ‘Family’ never made any sense to her, it depicted more as a monarchy wherein others are subjected to follow that one head of the ‘family’.

How does one exactly explain the emptiness within the family? It’s more like an image which one has to draw so as to derive something meaningful out of their existence being associated to a family. And it always irked her, unlike childhood which made it easy for her to face these facts of life, growing up has altogether a different isolation attached to it which multiplies and gives you emptiness.

“One does not know what it is like to be a daughter unless one experiences it”, Prerna listens to one of her friends tell her the other day. She knew because she read Anna Karenina and felt nothing much has changed since then; men always have privilege over women in one way or the other.

Prerna first got to know about her father’s past when she was around twelve years old. It was her elder brother who spilled the beans, when as usual their parents had a fight and her mom yelled “You’re so suspicious about me, just how you did with the first one. I will also leave if you continue to do so”, and her brother took her aside by her elbow and said “You know Dad was already married, right?”All she could do was to nod her head affirmatively. Earlier she heard few vague references but this was the first time she understood and acknowledged it.

***

The first day, is always chaotic and there is exasperation hanging in the air. Prabha is cursing under her breath while standing beside the stove, a big bowl of water on it. She raised the flame of the stove and let the fire laps its tongue to bowl, licking and heating it. ‘This girl gets it right on the auspicious occasion, now everything that I’ve done is ruined. The sweet dish, my vow to God, my purity adhering to God, everything! All is impure now.’

Prabha then takes down the boiled water and goes near the bathroom, where Prerna stands idly. ‘It happens every month, why does she behave as if everyone is going to die and I’m the reason for it’ Prerna can only be pensive and patient because once after the first day, there will be many more moments to test her patience. Prabha though near the bathroom stands in a way that the boiled water is at arm’s length, the edges of it held tightly with a worn out blouse piece that is used for domestic purposes once they lose their charm. She then quickly pours the water into the bucket and then rushes away as if she is being chased by a snake.

‘Periods in this household are always an impure thing and I’m sick with it. It’s the time when I need the touch of my mother the most, and this when I get to be treated like an untouchable’ Prerna mumbles while brushing her bushy pubic hair, their ends with blood and the when the droplets fell on the floor and made their way, she could smell the metallic odor.

When she is finally out of the bathroom and rushed into her room, she thought about the first time it started. She was neither aware nor ready for it. It was never discussed, never even hinted at for that matter. When she asked her mother after seeing a sanitary pad advertisement, she was scolded and was asked to shut her mouth.

The first time, it happened when she was in her eighth standard and woke up to go to school. She saw that her underwear was showing all blood and felt she’ll die. So she told her mother about it, and then all the hell broke loose.

‘Oh, so it happened? It happened now, yes. Now just don’t touch anything and do as I say’, the next thing she did was to ask Prerna to sit on a chair and began calling her relatives. After ten days there was a ceremony, and Prerna received gifts mostly clothes from the relatives. Prerna was aghast at the sudden treatment like an untouchable and then the celebrations that followed. In those ten days, she wasn’t allowed to bathe but on the final day a lady was called, who is of madiga caste, a total stranger gave her a turmeric ball and instructed to rub it over her vagina.

The memory now angers Prerna, she was not asked about her choices and the saddest part is when everyone assumed that she is happy. Prerna catches herself naked in the wardrobe mirror, ‘I’m a human being and I don’t think I’m pure’. She doesn’t feel like dressing up, all she thinks of is ending her pain. Not the one of her womb but that of her impurity.
There is a razor that she uses to shave her armpits, a cheap plastic one. She starts unscrewing it, the blade comes out.

***

Prabha thinks of taking a bath once again, that too with turmeric water. Turmeric is known for its purity and the ability to heal a wound. She sighs at the sweet dishes she made that morning with the help of Prerna. It’s all now nothing, she contemplates of distributing them to the children nearby, who jump at such delicacies.
‘What are you still doing in the room?” Prabha shouts and bangs the door. ‘Are you sleeping?’ another scream from Prabha but there comes not even a single voice. Only after sometime she could see the bottom of the door is turning crimson.
Hearing the ear splitting scream, neighbors come out to help. It’s because her son and husband were busy outside son with his friends and the husband, who knows. The resident of the next house, Mr. Murthy pushes with his might only to come back cupping his eyes and asking ladies in the gathering to come forward.

***

Prerna felt it is ridiculous to cut the vagina as it is already bleeding. She starts then, hesitantly at her breasts which her mother felt were under nourished. The body starts responding to her activities, she is now not able to control the urge to do more damage. The inner thighs, wrists, shoulder blades and even the collar bone, where there is no flesh. She hits even harder at her collar bone, ‘time has come’ Prerna cries.

She manages to write a note, a warning:

The education you gave me is not helping me in anyway. It’s because you’re there to control how much of my education gets into my mind. The father who says I’m there to be married off and the mother who thinks I’m impure. And also to the brother, who is kept in darkness about the monthly bleeding. Here’s to all.

I’m not pure, so please don’t try to touch when I’m dead. It makes my soul flinch with your touch on my body; it is not what I want. I never dared to want anything other than being treated with respect, irrespective of my monthly bleeding. I feel like I’m worthless, for whom I’m bleeding? I do not know. Hence for the last time, I wanted to bleed for myself. And I’m happy now; I don’t have to face anything anymore.


Monday, March 20, 2017

Desiring death almost

My health is dwindling down to nothingness I believe. May be, it’s not that physical weakness people around me are talking about but the mental battles that I’m going through every now and then. Most of the times at night I wake up choking, not because of any random nightmare instead it’s like my lungs and nostrils have shut down or about to completely shut down. Nowhere in the middle of the night I find myself struggling with these invisible battles and at a point in between, somewhere I close my eyes and get into a trance-like sleep which embraces me again.

Dreams? I’m not at all in a position to re-think what I have seen in my dreams; those are almost as far away as I am to my true self. I’ve helped cleaning home and it has been quite a tiresome day. I also have these constant thoughts about death of a beloved; I don’t know why I’m totally into it these days. Probably, the information I’m receiving that something is wrong and better prepare for the drastic stuff. I don’t know if I even bear the needed strength, my body, my mind is making it very hard for me to go about in life’s typical day.

I completed reading ‘The Red House’ by Mark Haddon; it’s another well written novel by him. Previously, I read ‘The Curious Incident of Dog in the Night Time’ way back in high school or something. It is this book that first introduced me to the word ‘Autism’ and I loved this author for writing something like that, everyone must read it. You’ll know how it is like to be autistic and what exactly goes in their mind.

©Suchitra2017